Pre-Crash Thinking

snail trails, shiny markers
tear stained ground, my cheeks
thought forms wrestling with my good sense
knowledge of who and what and why
questioning decisions
afraid of pain
i wonder why i do what i do
i wonder why i say what i say
breathe the air i breathe
care the way i care
all it is is useless air
rushing in, rushing out
i'm caught in the middle
of a push, a pull, a cycle
i never meant to fall
i never meant to sigh
maybe i am what i'm afraid i am
a speed bump
a way station
a pit stop in a greater journey
but that's not what
not ever what
i would want to be
i wonder why i do what i do
too fast, too hard, to much too soon
kept secret and safe and hidden
but still there
still felt
still crumbling me down slowly
step after step down the road
laughter and stars and who could know
i can't pretend to be anything other than me
honesty, not hiding
but seeing that smile
seeing that way those eyes turn up
imagining the laughter shared
imagining the memories
i cannot compare, i am sure
crumbling to uncertainty
i'll continue
continue
continue
until the crash
at least i know.



(c) 2015