Pain's Nest

 I learned how to not care
I cut away the bits and pieces that did not serve 
My crusade of apathy 
I hid my heart in a box
Hid my soul behind glass walls a meter thick
So everyone could see it 
But never get close enough to touch 

I cut myself off from friend and foe
Kept mum on all my problems 
I shut off my tears 
Put on a false smile I wore, 
Painted like a canvas 
For years my lips curled empty
And my eyes hollow to nothing 
And I laugh often 
And I laugh to hide 
And it works 

When the stars I could not help but love came close 
Shone on my heart like the brush of a master
I hid still more 
Like a woodlouse I curled in, tucked my legs into my carapace 
I did not understand this love 
The delicacy, the kindness, the joy
And I did not trust this love
Instead I waited for shoes to drop 
And pain to come
And then I made pain a nest 
In my own heart 
And still there it lies 


(c) 2020

Quarantined Desire

so you're feeling like the world is falling down
and the air is warm and brittle
and you could break for a touch
when  you wake up and your limbs are heavy
and the gravity that keeps you on the ground
is pulling you into it, onto it
down and down and unrelenting
and the wind moans past the window

do the thing that makes your body cry
and shake, and tremble
wake up again and let the sun kiss your skin
bathe in the quieit
it's never enough

try, try and find solace in the insanity
little star child, your wish might be granted
if you just lock the doors
and stay inside
and if it weren't for the temptation of the carnal kind
you would
but those sweet kisses
that set your skin on fire
those leave you blind
blind to danger

and you try and sip
from life's sweet lips
and find something to leave you satisfied

but instead, getting drunk in the woods alone
you kiss the air and let it kiss you in return
soft breezes intoxicating your otherness
and feel the starlight on your skin

to be alone while the world burns
it's a beautiful thing
but what you wouldn't trade it for a simple touch
a bruising, exciting touch that leaves you breathless
that fever that you can't sweat out
you would do anything
to feel the combination of passion and desire
thrusting its way into your psyche
all you can think about is
the warmness of a body pressed into you
onto you
around you
consuming the fire it starts

how did you bear it?
you wonder, how those months alone didn't wake this dragon
how these soft spring days and
cat's tongue nights, with the loud frogs and
the scent of jasmine and cherry blossoms did...and
you remember losing your virginity in the middle of the woods
and panicking because you did just that
but now you want nothing more than the forest floor
and there's a deep longing
it's all encompassing
it's the side effect of staring at the stars
and wanting nothing
but the touch of the lover
that you can't help but desire

there's this feeling you can't shake
that there's a burning sort of needing
and you want to sate it with the body you can't help but kiss
and all this wanting
and you need to drown yourself
in the scent of need
and the sweating, perfect giving that excites your soul
you want to be restrained
you want to feel the pinpoints of fire
the building wanting that entraps and entrances
and you know it makes you feel infinite
to be ashes on the hearth of needing
to become starlight and burning and entwined

there is a soft sort of intimacy to loneliness
and a delicate strangeness to how the world breathes
and perfect wanting when you touch me
and the fire flickers with need.


(c) 2020