The Truth

the truth is sometimes hard to tell
the words don't come
the syllables stutter and shift
the wanting turns to mutters
half heard admittance and sighing
sometimes the truth hurts the most to keep in
to keep quiet and tiny in the innermost heart
these things, these sighs, these words
all that are supposed to be said
catch in throats and tumble half formed
from lips that seek to suck them back in
as if they never were
this truth, this hope, this thought
the words don't come out in the right order
emotions inform reality
the tongue stumbles like high heels in the cracks
of a sidewalk on a busy street
what belongs to one can be breathed out
in honesty unrepentant
the price, the cost, the damnation of a perhaps
the constant fear of words
the things lips try not to say
those concepts too much unformed to birth
into this vague world of chances
what must be said, this honesty, the truth kept within
for fear of punishment
these little collections of noises given meaning
by ancient history
that history which built so much caution
this truth, what may never be told
something larger than life
lingering on the tip of a tongue
resting against the cage of teeth
behind lips that seek to stop and catch the tumbling words
to take back the voicing of a perhaps,
a desire, so much more than wanting
but the truth is sometimes hard to tell
this truth, with these consequences, with this perhaps
the tumbling words appear like swords
these sighs, these words, what could be worse
than these lips that seek to halt the passage of knowledge
but instead spill the truth
like water from a glass
this perhaps takes flight
but does the flight soar
can the wings of truthful speech
not be halted by the simple sigh and closing teeth
of a tiny choice
to save the truth for late at night
when nothing stirs and the speaker speaks to the stillness
alone with honesty
for sometimes the truth is hard to tell
when the words are yet too unformed to birth
and the listener sees the world through eyes
that cannot yet understand
a perhaps too early said.


(c) 2015

Being Young

with lungs full of high priced cigarettes
and a stomach full of cheap whiskey
with Fall Out Boy blaring
through shitty speakers
with no bass
is this what it means to be young?

to drown bitterness and sorrow
with drops of loathing
clothed in alcohol

to suffocate self hatred
with nicotine and bloody tears
weeping down sides

is this what it means to be young?
to express yourself with slow suicide
pretending to be okay
until even you believe it
sometimes

i've never felt better
am i lying?

i'm the prettiest fuckup
with the best taste in tobacco
and caffeinated blood

i'll make a pretty corpse, it's true
sex, drugs, rock and roll
what's there to miss?

rat-a-tat-tat on the door
is it someone i love
or a reminder of all the things i've done?

with lungs aching from classy smoke
and a breaking heart
from the past
with music and daydreams and failure
is this what it means to succeed?

burnt to the filter
inhale slowly and it won't kill you
sip it like it matters
and maybe it will
hope that it will get better
and maybe it could

they say it never gets better than this
and this is pretty fucked up



(c) 2015

Personal Fantasy

your dark, personal fantasy
strange, erotic, lucid
smelling like beeswax and leather
you're only home in your own head
spiraling, out of control,
you're a galaxy
untamed, unbowed

your dark, personal fantasy
Freudian, eclectic
it makes you shiver
these things that create something within us
feathers on the skin
lashes, closed lips that beg
we are unencumbered in those moments
i miss this

your dark, personal fantasy
bent, twisted, deranged
you like that, don't you?
you like it when it's burning you up
you like it when
you like it
you like it when it erases all that could be wrong
to sink, simple, into a different consciousness

your dark, personal fantasy
filled with yes ma'am and no sir
brings you lust
panting, desiring, you want more
no
please
no
please
well since you asked so nicely

your dark, personal fantasy
you love it when you can't see what's coming
don't you?
yes
but it's not that simple is it?
no

your dark, personal fantasy
tied up in knots, unafraid
it frees the breath in your lungs
expressive in its tightness
gasps say so much more than words
they do?
yes.


(c) 2015

Red

how do i describe something like this?
this odd liquid shimmer
this color unmatched in its many shades?

it's the color of love, of lips brushed with pigment
of sighs, and that feeling of waking up too soon
it's the color of the first tendrils of sunlight
after a dark night
filled with clouds

it's the stammer in the voice of a boy
giving the eulogy
for his father
it's rage

it's the scent of cinnamon
the blush on the cheeks of a young child
being told no, the same blush
for different reasons
on older, wiser cheeks

it's the clinging touch of a lover
the lingering marks from their teeth
the shape of a hand,
whether from hate or lust i do not know

it's the lines on the skin of a sad young thing
who, devastated by something,
seeks destruction

it's the deep, pearl shaped drops
oozing slowly from lily soft flesh
or the swirl of water down the drain
from coloring hair

it's the odd laugh that sometimes
bursts forth at the wrong times,
the varnish on her fingernails,
the hope of a new dawn.

they call it red, crimson, sanguine...
i call it
the color of yes


(c) 2015

Laughing at Dragons

You make me
Forget about dying young
Living is much too bright
Leaving is always hard
But all the hellos are worth the pain
Every morning, I'm alone at midnight
I have a war raging in my mind
All I have to keep myself sane
I hear the birds in the fog
On the powerlines that sing a name
I can howl to the moon every time
But I know you can't hear me
I just might go the distance
I just might run
We can play house in cities made of steel
Make me crazy, let me be wild
We can laugh at the dragons flying in the clouds
And I can love to
Drive fast, bass beats thundering around us
This is the best hell
We can run wild
We'll live fast and die old
And every night I chant to myself that I am not afraid
I am not afraid
Breathe with me, we made it out
We made it to the other side
Let's fly
All the hellos are worth the pain
They're worth the hours looking out the window at the trees
Listening to the birds in the fog
On the powerlines that sing a name
We are immortal
And deep in my electric heart
Swelling with the tide and moments
I am howling at the moon



(c) 2015

Black Eyed Queen

razor blades and daisy chains
and people stop and stare
at the girl in the black dress
lying on the spiral stairs

who is that girl you never noticed before?
what was her name?
what made her smile?
truly smile, not that Mona Lisa grin?
let the show begin

there were tiny monsters in her dreams
tiny, ageless fears with sallow skin
the low light gave them freedom
to hunt this harlequin girl

it's kill or be killed in the midnight dawn
it's rage and hopelessness
there is no discipline in this empty plane
just bad synth music and operatic failure
tell your stories to the clouds
and no one will notice the tears

you can only be empty for so long
before the world fills you up
with passion, ashes, bitterness and fear
with love and life and dreams
with love, the night glimmers

stars have no place in a world without hope
constellations gazing down at a girl without direction
the moon can watch her footsteps
and hide her sins
but the last light leaves her alone again




(c) 2014

Electric Ashes

A long time ago I was adrift
I was that hopeless girl with no direction
That was my truth

A long time ago I thought I was alone
I was a single atom among unknowable numbers
I was going to die alone
And all it did was get worse

I settled to a rhythm
I was a pale form of myself
I was a simple fairy tale in the wrong book

I was but ashes
Flickering.

My heart whispered to me
Open Sesame
And of a sudden I could see
My feet were carrying me along
And I don't want to lie
But I felt like I was flying
Down an escalator in a crowded hall

I suppose you could say that I was asleep
And the sound of water woke me
And the crazy green blood of a new dawn
So stop the world

All I want to say
Is written down in dust on a hundred thousand pages
Take the words from the air and speak them anew
But I don't want to tell the truth
Because in all these years the world has spun on
So I suppose you could say that I'm afraid

Last night I stood onstage
I was breathing the world around me
I was alive
I could feel the rightness in the world
I put it down to nerves
But the tingle that ran through me was electric

So when I wake up, and with a quilt and cocoa
And I want to watch the snow
Take a breath of the icy air
Listen to the silence

The silence speaks more words than I ever could
Not in a thousand lifetimes
Or with a million books

Every flake of icy white that falls
Says a few words
They say,



(c) 2014

Thoughts About You

You make me lose myself in music
because the notes sound like your voice

they haunt me when i sleep
i chase my dreams like fireflies
knowing i'll think of you for centuries

I turn the speakers up too loud
the hiss winds with the four songs i listen to
they're on repeat
and they're all about you

we are poisoned by our youth
our youth that kills us slowly
someday we'll be legends
remember these days
they're all we have

flaunt me among the dancing crowds
slit my throat with kisses
pull me asunder with licks of leather
this isn't just a dream anymore

we are the warriors of our own lives
fight and flight and gliding into sunrises
gazing at the stars

we prove ourselves daily
we shall ascend to the throne 

here we are, here we are
step follows step
and we're waltzing in the moonlight

(c) 2014

Dearest, You Captivate Me

this is it

the golden age

walking alone with my head in the clouds

running into your arms

done hiding from the world

you've captured me

in perfect synchronicity 

my hands dance

picking out a pattern

a song for the ages

shaped by lips that could hail the gods

i don't expect eternity 

we are but mortals

as i walk on

in the dark and filled with sighs

it's time to run

run with me

this race is possibility

you've captivated me

tomorrow is a day of thoughtful tears

shining in the rising sun

your eyes burn

i see you

it's like a window to my soul

bare and stark and full of demons

chasing my tail and wondering

thirty days of waiting

ten more of hope

i wonder

if you'll run with me

is there any chance

i could forget you

if i ever wanted to,

in the darkness filled with sighs

out by the shore

though...

when i close my eyes

all i see is a smile

i'm running

pale and cold in the ghostly light

of myriad stars above our heads

laughter and fears

i had lost my way

i never want to say

that the dreams i have are impossible

and they wouldn't be

you make me want to dance

and i can love the sound of the rain

with your hand in mine

i would never fall down

and these sentiments fall from pale lips

in a dark world

but your eyes

and the candyfloss hair

and we are shadows

in this cold and bitter night

the steady burst of life

light, and dreaming whispers in the dimness

sentiments i dare not voice

for i cannot find the words

but i'm running

come with me?

(c) 2014

One Good Reason

you say that you'd love to kiss me
hold me, wake beside me
i want to run away with you
give me one good reason to trust you
i don't expect the world
it's been a long time since i let go

i don't want to live anymore
i haven't for a long, long time
maybe this stone cold girl needs fire
i'm gonna grab you close
i'm gonna run away

but don't fuck with my love
don't fuck with my soul
it's empty and sinful
it's filled with pain enough for an army
i never intended for you to take me
not like this

give me darkness
i want to be on my own
keep me company in the rain
the droplets are red
none of us are saints
don't these scars speak ill of us all?

you say that you'd love to kiss me
hold me, wake beside me
i want to run away with you
give me one good reason to trust you
i don't expect the world
it's been a long time since i let go

i met you early in the year
when the fog was cold
and the wind made me want to disappear
maybe we never should have danced
maybe we never should have laughed

but don't fuck with my love
don't fuck with my soul
it's black enough as it is
it's filled with pain enough for an army
maybe there's something here
something more
i don't know

these smiles are porcelain and silver
glimmering softly with foolish hope
would that i could know the future
before i tried again
my resting place is in my own soul
i'm on fire
but i'm so cold

just hold me in your arms
sway to the music and blink out of existence
i don't want to keep going
but i don't want to die
enfold me close, and let me lean on you
gods know i need someone to trust
i'm standing in the rain
the drops are red

but don't fuck with my love
don't fuck with my soul
it's black enough as it is
it's filled with hope enough to kill me
maybe there's something here
something more
i don't know
it's raining and i'm looking up
i can see you in the clouds



(c) 2014

Witching Hour Dance

well now the war is here
say grace, hold on tight
we're all going to hell
might as well make it worth our while

we're all going to hell
trip trapping feet on a floor
dancing our way to the torment for sins untold
nobody's perfect

dying, asking, dreaming of heaven
i do so love to dance
you're my valentine and
we're dying

the questions we ask
of why and how and when
when we should be asking should we?
caring and desires
all pale when you think
the breaths that are our last

we're full of pennies and lies
perhaps we could be more
but could we really be something more than a dance
you're my mystery
it's a lovely infinity

but never though it could come to this
all the world gives is peace
and i can see the stars
we're dying

break down and sigh your wish
it's not coming back
lost in the fire of could be
a place for you and me to die

and now the war is here
and i'm glad i'm with you
and we're all going to hell
but it'll be fun
take my hand
hold me close, valentine
take me with you

dying, asking, i don't want to go
there's one more dance to be had
one more kiss

weakness is a virtue
and so is strength
but i'm gonna pick the music for this one
there's time for this later
the wishes and wanting
when we return from the ashes
crawling up from the pits of never
we'll wake up alone
you're my lightening
my valentine

tears won't do anything
and i wish you well
but the coals are hot
and we're all going to hell
and you're Cinderella at the ball
not just that
you're an infinite all

it takes a blink to die
and a lifetime to live
and take my hand
dance this jig
be carefree and smile
five minutes to midnight
and all i care about

is my witching hour
dancing
hands in mine




(c) 2014

A Memory

The trees left bare by soft licks of wind

listlessly twirling in a gentle dance

 you remember, you forget, the world spins on

graying mist and timeless wonder

and a memory of caramel eyes

and all there is 

are dreams to chase, and holes to fill

and souls to mend, and wind to brush

gentle droplets from the clouds

falling, falling, to your brow

this murmur, softly spoken, in the dawn

carries a word

a fear

a song

a name built by the strokes of a pen

a chance for the past to come again

to be renamed

and lightly thought of as Lilith wreathed in roses

with clamoring angels sighing amen

and these are the thoughts

in a midnight mind

caressed by breezes

on a hill

listlessly turning in a gentle dance

remembering that all there is

are the droplets of light

in the misty moon

and a memory of caramel eyes

(c) 2014

Harm

so they always say that the pain will fade away
we'll float on, change and heal
but with every passing day
the dread of renewal opens the gashes on my soul
remembered pain becoming entrancing
when will i float on? when will the time heal the wound?
the prophecies of mankind belie their actions
and the pain i've felt keeps its ugly head close
breaches in my walls
breaks in the barriers that keep me alive
these scars on my body have a number
and they mark the harm done by other men
i don't mean you, you left no scar
and maybe that's why i see you in my mind
when i think of the person i love most
so let me hold your hand in mine
and forget
and i would
but i can't
they say the pain will fade away
replaced by warmth and trust
but life isn't like a storybook
the dread of renewal opens the gashes on my soul
and my hope bleeds out onto the concrete
there are breaches in my walls
breaks in the barriers that keep me alive
you don't understand how dark it is inside
they say we all float on
and time heals all wounds
but i'm still sinking
and i'm still bleeding
and i've been treading a knife edge trying to keep breathing
and it's so hard
without you i'd be lost
but with you i'm afraid i'll lose myself
as i've done with everyone else
these scars on my body
are here for a reason, to bleed away the pain
i want to hold you and love you like you deserve
but i can't
and there have been an army of men
who have made me who i am
trampling me in the dirt
breaking my heart and spirit
again and again and again
i wish you could see inside my head
and understand my choices
i'm trying to drown out the screams
and the pain
and the horror of the has-been



(c) 2014